One of the main things I've learned from our experiences in the past is that if you've been involved or about to get started in the lifestyle, it's that COMMUNICATION is very important!
The title of this post is actually a quote of mine I made during an abrupt FMF threesome we had when we first began down our journey in search of sexual bliss. It was so unexpected to find ourselves in the midst of this threesome which we happened upon by pure luck that we were caught with our pants down, literally and figuratively. The other girl and I were completely naked in bed making out while exploring each other, when she invited my naked husband who was sitting in a chair watching us, to join in. Needless to say his cock was hard and straight as an arrow and she was more than willing to spread her legs and give him a bulls eye to aim at. I'll admit I wasn't expecting this so I was caught off guard. The situation we were in was something we talked about but never really discussed in detail. But that's a story for later. I promise.
Communication is a key to any successful partnership. It's especially true for couples whether you're searching for friends with benefits or not. Talking openly about your feelings, your expectations, your insecurities is important in case the moment of truth comes both planned or unexpectedly.
The first thing before you commence on your journey into the lifestyle is to make sure you're both 100 percent sure this is what you ultimately want. Discuss the pros and cons of your pursuits and any fear or reluctance you might have ahead of time in order to provide a smoother and fulfilling experience for the both of you. This should be a no brainer, but I'm reminded about a night in a swinger club when we met a nice couple there. As our husbands were getting us drinks, the other wife and I were chatting and getting to know each other while we waited. She kept saying how "my husband suggested this place, my husband thought this would be a good idea, my husband has been looking forward to tonight for a while now..." and so on.
Our husbands arrived with our drinks but I wanted to ask her, "How about you? Is this what you want? Have you been looking forward to this? Do you even want to be here?"
It was becoming apparent that she did not have the same level of enthusiasm as her husband. I didn't get the chance to ask her how she felt about being there and after a brief conversation my husband and I got on the dance floor and didn't see them the rest of the night.
Once you've established that this is something you want to pursue together, you should have a plan. Talk to one another about how you want to meet and play with other like minded people.
Set some rules and boundaries between the two of you before going forward. Yes I understand, we are sexually expressive, free spirited people that go with the flow and takes things as they come without rules and limits. I get it. No one is asking you to produce a 25 point plan on an Excel spreadsheet with what you can and can't do. It's impossible to be prepared for every scenario and detail you may encounter when meeting up with others in the lifestyle and you shouldn't have to. We all appreciate spontaneity in life!
However, it's best to discuss things and have some simple guidelines beforehand.
"How far are you both willing to go, especially in the beginning?"
"Are you willing to go full swap or just do soft swap?"
"What rules will you set with the other couple and what are you willing to try and do with them sexually?"
Of course there will be details and decisions you might have to make as you go.
"Where do we go to be intimate? A hotel? Their place? Our place? Sure we want to have sex with these nice people but do we really want them in our house?"
There will be a diverse mix of people you meet in the lifestyle from all walks of life from white collar to blue collar, passive to aggressive, extroverted to introverted and so on. One of you might find an instant attraction while your spouse may not.
"Do you take one for the team and proceed with being intimate?"
"Is there a code word between you to stop it from going further?"
"What if there is an attraction but you get cold feet?"
Men and women will have different concerns and anxieties when you've found that couple and closing the deal is moments away. Guys might be thinking:
"What if I can't get it up?"
"I wonder if she's into anal?"
"Holy crap he's going to ruin my wife with that big thing!"
While women might be having their own concerns:
"What if this guy wants to take me down to his pleasure dungeon in the basement?"
"What do I do if it's been over four hours and he still has a hard on?"
"Damn, how did she fit into that dress and where did she get it!"
All kidding aside, you won't know what crazy stress and uneasiness you will experience until you actually get out there and meet people. Don't fret, it'll be alright. The important thing is to communicate with your significant other before, during, and after! One thing that gets overlooked is the morning or day after you've spent time with another person or persons. It's extremely important for the both of you to discuss what you're feeling about the experience you just had. Be honest; whether it was amazing or if it was not what you expected and discuss things that you might do different the next time. The more exposure you have in the lifestyle going forward the more comfortable you will feel and your future encounters will be less stressful and much sexier!