Since my husband and I first entered the Lifestyle, we have learned one thing definitively: straightforward, honest communication is essential.

People enter the Lifestyle for lots of different reasons with countless different expectations and parameters. Some people prefer girl on girl only; others are soft swap. Some couples want to be in the same room at all times while others prefer separate rooms. Some couples are in constant search of that illusive animal we all know as the unicorn. Some want to fuck anyone and everyone—as many different couples or singles as they can get their hands on—and some want to find “friends with benefits.” Knowing and understanding expectations and parameters is key to positive Lifestyle experiences.

The first time we went to a swinger’s club, my husband and I talked incessantly for the duration of the thirty-five-minute-but-seems-like-a-lifetime drive. Were we actually looking for someone to fuck? Did we just want to dance and get ramped up and go home to have vanilla sex? Did we just want to wait and see what happens? How do we know what to do or how to progress if we do meet someone? We had no idea what to expect, but we were super-horny just thinking and talking about it.

We arrived at the club, walked in, and instantly gasped in astonishment at the blow-job on the dancefloor. We knew it was a sex club, but we had no idea just how open everyone was. We had been to countless strip clubs, but the extent of our experience had been lap dances and “no touch” rules. We certainly weren’t in Kansas anymore!

We sat down to eat, drink and scope it out. We talked a little more, drank some more liquid courage, and finally went out on the dance floor. Other women approached me, grinding and writhing around the pole in the middle of the floor, kissing me deeply. My husband’s eyebrows (and cock) shot up in excitement, loving my enthusiastic responses.

Around midnight, something happened: everyone disappeared from the dance floor. My husband and I looked at each other quizzically and finally realized where everyone had gone. It was what we now refer to as “the dog whistle.” Couples had hooked up with someone they met or proceeded with a pre-arranged play date making their way to the back of the club where clothes were shucked and people were fucked.

Following suit, we made our way behind the double doors and found people in various stages of engagement, some kissing at the bar, some sucking on the couch, some entertaining on the pole, countless coupling in the large open rooms, and others making their way to private quarters. Wide-eyed, we wandered around the pool and the hot-tubs watching the unabashed, uninhibited sexual encounters, and finally, we made our way to a hotel room alone (via a cab, as no one wants a DUI with that much anticipation flowing through your veins).

We thoroughly enjoyed our vanilla sex, and we talked a lot more the over breakfast the next morning. We agreed that we loved the open-mindedness of everyone there, loved the no-pressure attitude of swingers, and we resolved to go again.

A few months and a few female-only (no, not unicorn) encounters later, we met a couple we were both attracted to. Previously, we had found other couples where one of us was attracted to the female half, but not the male. Or I was attracted to the mister but not the missus, and we honored our mutually agreement that neither of us was willing to take one for the team.

But this couple was different; this was a couple we could play with. Maybe not necessarily go “all the way” with yet, but some soft swapping was definitely on the horizon. He was hot, she was hot, and we were pumped.

We found a private room in the back of the club. Everything was going well until I heard, “Somebody slap a condom on this big dick! I want to ride it!” I was not ready for that; it was not a good situation and everything came to a screeching halt. Needless to say, they promptly exited the room quite annoyed with us.

Apparently we were very effective at communicating with each other, but were too unsure of ourselves or too modest to openly communicate with another couple. Big mistake.

Several months later we decided to take a different approach. We met a couple online and decided to meet for dinner and drinks rather than go to a club. We chatted and got to know each other, and we all seemed to be hitting it off. Dinner ended, and we walked down the street to another bar for more drinks before eventually making our way back to our hotel suite.

We all sat down in the living area of our room, a little unsure of how to proceed. We still weren’t good at this open communication thing.


Suddenly, Mr. Other Couple stood up, arms extended, and announced, “It’s time for a huddle. We want to fuck you guys. What are you guys comfortable with exactly?”

Audible sigh of relief! And with that, we spoke openly and frankly about what we wanted to do and didn’t want to do, and they were fine with it.

Since our first “Huddle,” we have adopted that approach as our standard operating procedures if and when a situation gets to that point. We have also developed code words for “Let’s go!” or “No, thank you” in the beginning stages of interaction so we both know how to proceed.

When we talk to people who are thinking about or just entering the Lifestyle, we stress the importance of uninhibited communication in addition to the uninhibited sex because we have learned (the hard way, no pun intended) that the latter cannot take place without the former! Especially if the experience is going to be positive.

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