By Mrs Marrieds
I was 17 when I first kissed a girl. I had thought about it before, secretly craved it. I was 19 when I had my first "real" girlfriend. I still remember her and I feverishly making out in a locked bathroom in our friends' suite at university. The metal clasps of my overalls (shut up, it was the '90s) noisy against the tile. I put my hand across her mouth holding her in place while we fingered each other. She was loud. It was great.
My husband was (and still is) basically the only human I thought it was even possible to be married to; he got me and I got him, we got each other in a way that was more than special -- it was (and still is) extraordinary.
When we re-engaged in the lifestyle (via websites such as our lovely Quiver!), I shied away from including single ladies in our play. There was an element of insecurity on my part. I'm coming up on my cougar years, and proud of it; however, time takes it's toll. I feel (and am) sexier now than I was when we first got together in our early twenties, and worried less about someone sexually pleasing him in new and exciting ways and more about (1) another woman connecting with him on an emotional level that I (as a career-oriented pragmatist) don't do as easily as most or (2) my husband being overwhelmed by my craven approach to women. I love dick, but I devour pussy.
Let's just say that with swinging comes tons of communication, and my husband is a much better human than I will ever be and he managed to get it through my thick skull to remember that we "get" each other.
So, I got the fuck over myself and quite enjoy inviting ladies into our bedroom to romp with us both.
What we couldn't find (easily) was a man (or a couple with a man who was game) to explore the same with us.
Husband's sexuality is his story to tell, but those of you who have seen our profile know he identifies as "bi-comfortable." Easy way to break that down (for us), lifted from his comment on a post on Quiver (with just a few edits for punctuation, because I'm cray like that):
"I just like humans, okay? I'm not 'curious' (i.e., I've experimented with the same sex) and I'm not full on bisexual because I don't actively crave or go after same-sex play on a regular basis. Comfortable, to me, means if the situation arises, all parties are comfortable, and there's a mutual attraction, then I am comfortable with same-sex shenanigans (usually in a group setting with Mrs. Marrieds present). Who says just the ladies should put on a show for their spouses, after all? I'm all about equal opportunity sexy times here."
I've thought a lot about the "public" lack of bi-whatever men in the lifestyle, and met a huge number of men who label themselves as straight on sites but engage in bisexual play. When asked, most of them reply that it's "just easier" to engage in straight play, and that they're aware of explicit bias against non-straight men in the lifestyle, for multiple reasons they've outlined to me and I've posited on my own. This floors me. Is the lifestyle, a collection of delightfully deviant humans who engage in extracurricular activities that the mainstream would tut-tut over, homophobic? In our experience, the generalized answer is "yes."
The bisexual female, the ever elusive "unicorn", highly sought over and even (yes) hunted, by many a couple far and wide. The bisexual male, ridiculed, and basically absent or in hiding in straight labeling. Why is this?
No, really, why is this?
The University of Essex published a wildly linked and reviled study that women are basically inherently bisexual. Now, I think that's a crock of shit, but there is an interesting side concept to think about that shook out of all it -- are women taught to recognize female beauty and praise it as a societal norm, and dudes taught to look at other male hotties as potential threats? I don't know. I honestly don't. I'm a bisexual woman! I dig humans that I find hot, without care for their gender or genitalia. I'm not a dude.
Maybe it's porn. Who the fuck knows. Mainstream porn panders to dudes. Let's be real. It's gotten better, it has, but it's made for the male gaze. Scores of dudes have been raised on lipstick lesbian porn, with a dash of male aggression to "turn" those "naughty girls" back to dick. Maybe it's because to be open to the lifestyle, women have to be generally more open, more adventurous. We're raised in a slut-shaming culture that simultaneously places female beauty at the top of all things desirable, resulting in inherent objectification. Maybe it's because bi men are seen as the ultimate sluts and somehow dirty -- because there is a very real undercurrent of fear in our society when it comes to the promiscuity of gay men. Maybe it's because some guys are scared that a bi guy won't be able to resist and try to shove it in their asses. Maybe it's because guys are scared of being objectified the way that women are.
Again, I'm generalizing, and trying to figure this out. I welcome any dialogue on this topic.
With that said, I cannot and will not ignore the fact that there is a fascinating undercurrent in the lifestyle of ladies "putting on a show" for their willing and cock-in-hand hubbies, prior to a straight-up wife swap-a-do. (And if that's what you're into, YOU DO YOU!) As someone who has been "out" for more than half her life (and, yes, married a dude), bi-for-attention or because your spouse wants to watch their porn fantasies come to life drives me fucking bonkers. And I know that makes me a judgmental jerk -- I'm working on it. Again, YOU DO YOU. I just am not into the concept of hooking up with a pillow princess who wants to make out with me and play with my tits so her husband can get his rocks off. (And, yes, I know these people exist, because we've met them.) And, ladies, if you are in this category, fuck, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't make out with me because you think it's expected. Just understand that we hold everyone to the same bar -- be into both of us, at least as a concept, or nothing at all.
Similarly, the majority of single guys that have communicated with us since we engaged in the "organized lifestyle" have fervently proclaimed their "110 percent" straightness, with a side of "all about her, bro!" Listen, I am not asking you dudes to suck each others dick 24-7, just like I know you aren't asking me to muff-dive constantly; however, I am asking that you be comfortable with close-quarters play and not Scooby-Doo-style "zoink" your hand away if you brush up against my man. Guess what? It's tough playing with people that don't play with everyone.
Let me rephrase that: It's tough for me to play with people who don't (somewhat intimately) interact with my husband, too. He'd feel the same way if the lady of the couple were 100 percent focused on him and ignored or rebuffed me. Mostly because we hate the invisible wall that creeps up during play. We don't want to actively worry about crossing a line with someone for something as innocuous as a misplaced hand. And, because I'm selfish, I hate having to split my attention between two guys during a threesome -- I suck (and not in a good way) at it, and get overwhelmed. Threesome with a bi lady? All is well, because everyone interacts. Threesome with a straight guy? Even with one that is a great human? I'm burnt toast. Foursome where everyone can at least be on the same bed and if swords cross, they don't give a fuck? Amazing. Foursome where it devolves into a straight swap? Je nope. (AGAIN, YOU DO YOU!)
We've lucked out. We've met and been lucky enough to play with some scorchingly hot humans who are sexually fluid. We like them in and out of their clothes, and are pretty sure they like us, too. Most times us girls play, seldom we don't. Seldom the guys get randy, most times they don't. And that's baller as hell. Some of those guys are comfortable to label themselves as bi-whatever, others aren't, or truly are straight, but comfortable with the fluidity of play with the right people.
Tl;dr: Where are all my bi men at? When will it be okay for a guy to present as bi in the lifestyle without it being considered undesirable? Where are all my straight ladies at? When will women feel it's okay to not "put on a show" because it's what's expected?